A lesson · The “We Both Want” Game
Grade 3-5The “We Both Want” Game
A simple script for the disagreements that show up over and over — who goes first, what to play, whose turn it is.
Assumptions & Caveats
Before you begin
What you should know
This age can now hold a bit more than the 5-8 story-only version — they can name their own disagreements out loud and start practicing a real script, not just hear one modeled. But they’re not yet ready for the fully abstract “us vs. them” language or for reflecting on large-scale conflict; keep every example concrete and close to their actual life (siblings, classmates, teammates), not politics or the news. Discussion at this age works best in pairs, not open floor — most kids this age will say more, and more honestly, to one partner than to a full circle.
What we're assuming
- Most kids this age have a live, recurring disagreement they could name immediately — who goes first in a game, what to play at recess, whose turn it is with something at home.
- Kids this age are old enough to practice a script and remember it, but still need it modeled and repeated before it’ll show up on its own in a real moment.
- Some pairs will find the practice a little silly or awkward at first. That’s normal at this age — let the game format (see Beat 3) carry some of that awkwardness rather than asking for polished sincerity.
Learning goals
What they walk away with
- Name a real, current disagreement with a sibling, classmate, or friend — no judgment on what it is.
- Understand that most disagreements at this age have wants that overlap, even when it doesn’t feel that way at first.
- Practice saying “I don’t think we’re fighting about this — I think we both want ___” out loud, with a partner, until it feels natural to say.
- Carry the script into one real disagreement this week and notice what happens.
How to hold the room
Before you start talking
- Keep examples concrete: turns, games, seating, screen time, who gets picked first. Skip anything abstract like fairness “in general” or politics.
- Let pairs choose whether their practice scenario is real or made-up. Some kids won’t want to use a real, current fight — that’s fine, a made-up one works just as well for practicing the script.
- Normalize that the script can feel awkward or forced the first few times. That’s expected, not a sign it isn’t working.
- If a pair gets stuck disagreeing about what the shared want even is, you can gently offer a guess (“maybe you both just want to feel like it’s fair?”) without insisting you’re right.
The lesson flow
Step by step
Each beat alternates a little input, a little doing, and a little reflecting. Skip, slow down, or stretch any of these to fit your group.
Naming a disagreement
Ask kids to think of a recent disagreement with a sibling, classmate, or friend — who goes first, what to play, whose turn it is. They can write it on paper or just hold it in mind. No one has to share which one yet.
The bigger want underneath
Share simply: “A lot of arguments look like they’re about who’s right or who gets something — but usually, if you dig one layer down, both people actually want something pretty similar. Maybe you both want to have fun. Maybe you both want it to feel fair. Maybe you both just want to be included.”
Discuss in pairs (simple, concrete): “Think about the disagreement you named. What might you and the other person actually both want, underneath it?”
Practice the script, game-style
Teach the line:
“I don’t think we’re fighting about this
I think we both want ___.”
Turn it into a quick back-and-forth game in pairs: give each pair two or three concrete disagreement scenarios (a card or a called-out prompt works — “you both want to go first at the game,” “you both want the same seat,” “you both want to pick what to watch”). One partner states the disagreement, the other fills in the script out loud. Switch roles and repeat with a new scenario.
Try it for real
In the same pairs, invite kids to try the script on the real disagreement they named in Beat 1, if they’re comfortable — or to keep using a made-up one if they’d rather. Either is fine.
Closing
Bring the group back together. “This week, if you catch yourself in a real disagreement — with a sibling, a classmate, a friend — try the sentence you practiced today. You might be surprised how often you both wanted something pretty close to the same thing all along.”
What you'll need
The materials
- Paper and pens for each participant
- A short stack of simple disagreement prompts/scenario cards for Beat 3 (or plan to call them out loud)
If it's not going well
When this one gets heavy
If a disagreement a child names sounds like more than an ordinary sibling or classmate squabble — real bullying, exclusion with a pattern to it, or something happening at home that sounds like more than a disagreement — don’t try to resolve it with the script or in the moment. Follow the site’s mentor safety guidelines (For Mentors page), and loop in the appropriate adult per your church’s child-safety policy. This age can describe something serious in the same matter-of-fact tone they use for a game disagreement — listen for what’s actually being said, not just the tone it arrives in.
For the fuller tiered guidance — including what to do if someone discloses something serious — see For Mentors.
Help this get better
Teaching this to a group we haven't planned for?
Tell us — this only gets better with your eyes on it. We read every one of these.