A lesson · Finding the Bigger “Us”
Grade 6-8Finding the Bigger “Us”
A practical way to stop picking sides, when picking sides feels like most of what middle school is asking you to do.
Assumptions & Caveats
Before you begin
What you should know
This age is old enough to genuinely grasp “us vs. them” as an idea — abstract thinking is coming online — and they’re also living inside more real pressure to pick sides than either younger or older groups: friend-group alliances, who’s in and who’s out, disagreements at school that feel bigger than they’ll look in a year. Don’t be surprised if the room goes quiet rather than talkative during the vulnerable parts; quiet is often engagement at this age, not disinterest. Keep the examples relational (friend groups, family, school, social media) rather than political or workplace-scale — this age is still building the capacity to reason about large-scale conflict in the abstract, and the lesson lands harder staying close to their actual daily life.
What we're assuming
- Most kids this age have felt real pressure to choose a side — in a friend-group conflict, an online disagreement, or at home — and some are dealing with it right now.
- Self-consciousness about being watched while vulnerable is real and normal at this age. Give a private option before asking anyone to share out loud; forced vulnerability at this age often produces performance, not honesty.
- Some kids in the room may currently be in the middle of a friend-group conflict this lesson touches close to. That’s not a reason to avoid the topic, but it is a reason to keep the practice general and never ask anyone to name names or resolve a specific ongoing conflict publicly.
Learning goals
What they walk away with
- Recognize a real, current moment where they’ve felt pressure to choose a side — without having to say which one.
- Understand that a larger shared want usually sits underneath a disagreement, and that finding it doesn’t mean pretending the disagreement isn’t real.
- Practice the script “I don’t think we’re actually on different sides here — I think we both want ___” with a partner, on a real or hypothetical disagreement.
- Have at least one written, private reflection they don’t have to share with anyone.
How to hold the room
Before you start talking
- Don’t require anyone to share. Offer it, make it easy, and let silence be okay.
- Never pressure anyone to find common ground with someone who has genuinely harmed them — this lesson is for everyday disagreements, not abuse or genuine danger.
- Watch for the kid who goes quiet in a way that feels heavier than typical middle-school reserve. Note it, check in one-on-one after.
- Small groups of 2-3 are more comfortable than whole-group discussion at this age — use pairs or trios wherever the flow below calls for sharing.
The lesson flow
Step by step
Each beat alternates a little input, a little doing, and a little reflecting. Skip, slow down, or stretch any of these to fit your group.
Naming an “us vs. them” moment
Ask (open floor or written on index cards if the group is shy): “Think of a recent situation — at school, at home, online, in your friend group — where you felt pressure to choose a side, or where someone else started to feel like ‘the other.’ You don’t have to say which side you chose, or whether you chose one at all.”
You don’t need everyone to share out loud. Let a few go first; others can just think or write.
A bigger idea of what brings people together
Share this concept: genuine community isn’t fundamentally about buildings or labels. It’s whatever people gather around when they’re aiming at something bigger than their disagreement — understanding, fairness, peace. Real differences remain; they simply don’t make up the whole picture.
Discuss (pairs or trios, more comfortable than whole-group at this age): “Can you identify a ‘bigger us’ that you and someone you disagree with might both genuinely want, despite choosing different positions?”
Private reflection, before any sharing
Give everyone paper. This part is not shared aloud unless they choose to.
Prompt: “Think of a real disagreement you’re actually in right now, big or small. If you’re honest, what might the other person genuinely want, underneath their side of it — even if you still think you’re right? You don’t have to decide you’re wrong. Just notice what they might want.”
Give real silence for this — 3-4 minutes of actual quiet, not filled with talking.
Try the script
In pairs, participants practice aloud or in writing a straightforward opening line for disagreement moments: “I don’t think we’re actually on different sides here — I think we both want ___.” They fill in the blank using a real or hypothetical disagreement — their own from Beat 3 if they’re comfortable, or a made-up one if not.
Not about being right
Clarify that this approach prioritizes discovery over victory — finding what’s genuinely shared beneath disagreement rather than assuming nothing is. Close with: you don’t need to eliminate genuine disagreement to locate what both parties actually seek. Usually, that connection exists upon investigation.
“That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us.”
John 17:21
What you'll need
The materials
- Paper and pens for each participant (index cards work well for Beat 1 if the group is shy)
- A whiteboard, poster paper, or shared doc for the script in Beat 4
- Optional printables: Visual “The Bigger Us”; Pocket card “The Bridge Line”
If it's not going well
When this one gets heavy
If actual mistreatment or unsafe situations emerge — bullying with a real power imbalance, exclusion with a pattern to it, or anything beyond ordinary disagreement — finding common ground isn’t appropriate, and this lesson shouldn’t be used to pressure a student toward it. If a student’s private reflection, body language, or comments suggest something beyond typical friend-group friction (persistent distress, signs of self-harm, disclosure of harm from someone else), don’t try to resolve it in class. Follow the site’s mentor safety guidelines (For Mentors page), loop in the appropriate adult per your church’s child-safety policy, and treat it as seriously as you would any other disclosure at this age — it can arrive quietly, inside a written reflection rather than spoken aloud.
For the fuller tiered guidance — including what to do if someone discloses something serious — see For Mentors.
Help this get better
Teaching this to a group we haven't planned for?
Tell us — this only gets better with your eyes on it. We read every one of these.